


Empty Page

by Jubbles



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: Codependency, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Healthy Relationships, Introspection, Unhealthy Relationships, love problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24133510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jubbles/pseuds/Jubbles
Summary: Lorelai and Dean have more in common than what the visible eye can see.
Relationships: Dean Forester/Lorelai Gilmore, Dean Forester/Rory Gilmore
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	1. Here we go!

> You are sixteen going on seventeen, [...]
> 
> Baby, you're on the brink

  


Gosh, was I ever that gullible? I couldn't have been, right? I mean, I lived with my mom! Mrs Emily Gilmore in all her glory! I could NEVER let the ball drop or she would be severely disappointed in herself. Not in me, of course, because I can be excused due to hormones or teen angst or "have you heard what kids these days think it's music?!" in all manner of fashion I could appal their delicate senses. 

(Because Christopher was also quite smart, you know. Never bragging like some of our adventures weren't his plans and playing the "but I was seduced by a temptress' desires" a little _too_ well).

The coward. So pretty, 'tho, and involving... Damn you, Chris.

Anyway! That's exactly the point. I couldn't have been naïve, Christopher certainly wasn't, plus, between my father sneaking questions during polite dinner conversations and my mother there was never even a blip of a chance of me, myself, Lorelai Gilmore, to be a sweet innocent lady.

And then bam I did the impossible and raised Rory to be a tad cutesy rose colored lens girl.

Insert here the biggest facepalm emoji please, we can agree it is well deserved.

All my movie planning, TV shows, great music and sarcastic quips helped her quickeen her mind, for sure. But still my baby was deeply unprepared for Dean and the next stage of her life.

(Granted, if I wanted Rory to have the know-how on manipulation, what to do when someone shows interest in herself and how utterly mean the world is then she would know how to make her sarcasm _hurt_ , use it like a weapon, be the same Lorelai I am. Which is ridiculous. I left home so that precise event never happened).

And I did good! I'm a proud mama bear with the smartest girl Star Hollows ever had and she's even gorgeous to boot! Oops, megalomania knocked me over a little there, down, world domination plans!

So! To recapitulate: Rory managed to be the purest of Gilmores, Dean is a city boy with dangerous dimples that would probably give her a car, effectively charming the feminine mystique the rightest way possible, and now here I am. Having a breakdown in the middle of my life becase I'm seeing myself in Rory in a way that was never that obvious.

She's a teen, has a boy that loves her and treats her well; she can study everything she wants, be anything she can dream of being! She's in one of those big cosmic cusps! _By her own design and choice!_

\- Not to be overbearing over here, miss, but have you chosen if you want Harvard or Yale yet?

That's how I'm casual about life, see! I'm a chill mom that won't interfere unleess I see what a mess she's making _or_ if she asks for my help, hopefully.

God, I need coffee. And maybe make some googly eyes at Luke. He's always so uncomfortable and precious that my days automatically get better the instant I step inside the diner. Bad Lorelai! No making fun of the man that serves you coffee day to day! Even if he squirms deliciously when checking the daily outfits I'm wearing... Ha! Bad bad bad! Rory wouldn't do that. She doesn't even know I know what I'm doing. 

Hell, I fooled the entire town into thinking I'm oblivious to Luke's crush and the fact that I torture him a bit (okay, a _lot_ ) but, nonetheless, be that as it may... in my legitimate defense: that's more on Luke than on me! He has that shy, helpful, small town charm and background of a real bonafide gentlmeman. Like a vaguely sexist modern day cowboy but with trucks and baseball hats instead of the usual deal. 

And since the entire town probably thinks I'm a entitled, stupid, stubborn _harlot_... Why, I do say I play my part quite nicely, don't I? 

But so does Dean. I see him being the cocky giant thrust into a small town when he probably owned his old high school. I see the way he set his sights on cute blue eyed Rory because she is pretty much the epitome of a gem to a jock god showing up unexpectedly in our routines. 

I'm not even mad. 

Except whe he tried too much when my daughter has "flirting" filed up next to "soap operas" and "scripted" and she never thought herself as a lead character. 

(Probably my fault? NO! No?... she is my best friend and I include her in most everything I can because I want her jazzing up with me). 

Boy oh boy we're gonna have to have some words with Don Juan here! 

Here we go! 


	2. You wait, little girl, on an empty stage

_\- Excuse me, young man, might I have a word?_

_\- Yo, pipsqueak! We need to talk._

_\- Ahoy, sailor, go treasure hunt elsewhere!_

Oh, good one, Lor!

\- Hey, Dean, can I talk with you for a second?

\- Mom?

\- It's okay, sweetie, go ahead first and grab some twinkies and pop tarts for me, will you?

\- Okay okay. See you, Dean.

Aww, how cute! She's still shy over pecking him in public! Logically so, right, with me over here like a creeper I wouldn't be feeling up to a smooch fest either.

\- So is this the parental moment: "don't hurt my daughter or I'll hurt you" cliché?

\- Son, have you seen where you are? If you do hurt Rory the whole townsfolk is going after you with torches and pitchforks. She's _that_ beloved. Trust me, in this case, I'm on your side.

\- But are you?

\- Why don't you come with us for movie night? I am being honest here.

\- But... I thought movie night was a thing between you two?

\- And it is, see! Now you're catching on!

Oh, those dimples are to die for! And the way he's hunching his shoulders in all of that I-have-time-to-actually-exercise glory? Oooh boy's got some charm working for him. Good job, Rory!

\- Well, in that case, I would be honored to accept such invitation.

\- Invitation to what?

\- Your mom just invited me to movie night with you guys.

\- Oh, that must mean you're on the approved list then.

\- Ah, I'm all Gilmore girl approved?

Yeah, dude, seeing as they're leaning into each other and completely forgotten about me? Boy's pretty cocky with his choice, let me just casually walk away from the love birds now or things are going to be _extra_ awkward!

Oops, talking about awkwardness... What to tell Luke when he's clearly sniffing out to see what is happening in my life this time around? It is how our tetê-à-tête mostly goes but I kind of needed this moment to reflect on this occasion now and not to engage in social proclivities with small town hysteria. I'm the one that needs to be neurotic! Although quietly, that's the issue: I can't make Rory worried now after she's finally starting to relax over the gasp boy thing.

\- **Rory got kissed. Rory had her first kiss. And that guy did it**.

Time to make those acting classes worth their money now, Lorelai! Do it for the Golden Globe!

\- Say what?! Some guy harassed Rory?

\- No! I mean, yes! I mean... it was consensual... After... Because you can't exactly ask permission before you steal a kiss, that's the principle of a stolen kiss, you know! But she likes him now and I guess I will have to call him son in law in a bit too...

\- What! They're marrying?!

Woah, cowboy. The whole overprotective father figure was kind of cute before the judgmental vibes I'm feeling right now. Futhermore! They're right in public. If there was an awful thing happening here we would all know it by the glimpse and I'm pretty doubtful over Luke's hability in doing the knight in shining armour routine in public. He will probably just fret a **lot** and complain quietly to me everytime he feels something is happening and he disapproves.

\- Luke! Luke, Luke, Luke! Come on, they're teenagers. They aren't marrying! It was a joke, gee. Take a breather.

\- Oh right. Of course. They've just met, of course. That’s not happening for a while, huh? I mean. I’m just saying. Rory is going to college! Isn’t she? No time for a wedding until, at the _least_ , her final semester, right? Yeah. Everything's ok.

God save me for small town hysteria.

\- Sure, honey, sure. Maybe we both need some coffee? And to give them some privacy.

\- Privacy! Why do they need privacy for? We need to keep an eye on the new kid so that he doesn't hurt our Rory.

Huh.

\- Rory is a big girl, let's see how she handles him first, ok?

\- Yeah, yeah ok. We can do that.

"We". Welp. Guess I'm not too worried about Rory and Dean now and I'm terrified over how Luke just shoved his self onto my life like that was a-okay to do so regarding my daughter. That was the only, unspoken, rule about the Gilmores in Star Hollows: you talk, you rave, you judge, but you do not parent her ignoring my wishes! And unorthodox or not, I am not the one that has a rebellious kid trying so hard to have a double life since she feels she won't be accepted as she is by her mom.

Mrs Kim is a sweetheart and honor bound and I want to like her so much! I get her. She wants to raise Lane in the best way possible. She is aware of the struggles of fitting in an american society but she's the ultimate rebel for sticking to her guns instead of forgoing her culture and giving up on her teachings... If I were to be a strict mother, I hope I could be one like that powerbomb: caring yet unflexibly protective of simple common young mistakes.

Something that my own mother forgot, when trying to mold me into one of her precious dolls. We hurt each other and didn't gain much from it except gradually louder fights and secrets.

I don't want this to happen with myself and Rory. It may seem illogical and too codependent to care for her as I would a best friend... but in actuallity, all my socialite friends were better as allies than bonds of friendship. We would grow to be business partners or enemies of a sort. We would maybe marry and compare riches. We would raise our kids to be prepared for the open hate prestige comes with.

It's just a boy for now. And Rory did tell me about him. Maybe she's better off already than I was in that stage.


	3. Date Night

> Totally unprepared are you  
> To face a world of men

I invited Dean to the wonders of Willy Wonka in the comfort and bad-assery that is the junk movie dinner night. Consequently I'm a bad mom now because I'm cramping Rory's style. Quite literally now because we have the couch while Dean was a doll and didn't mind sitting at the floor so we could share the food and have the TV perfectly centered and in optimal distance. Kid's growing on me, I tell you!

And he _knows_ he should damn well be thankful for this opportunity!

Rory started off as jittery, nervous little bug until Wilder's magic showed up and calmed her a littler more. But I can see how tense she increasingly gets as Dean makes himself comfortable and closer to her, like he was prepared for cuddling. It's not even overt. The kid knows not to be pushy. The ambience is just helping him out without having to put moves on Rory because this is enough for him, for now, for me to see him as a nice and caring teenager and not a monster kidnapper of virgin daughters.

Thank goodness he doesn't have a motorcicle. It would be hard to understand his joke and not to flip out completely if he was the dangerous sort. I need time to understand this new relationship too, it's not just Rory with the cute silly "he smells so good and it's so near" problems.

How I wished those were my only problems forever!

You can see Dean is a player... He remarks over how much food we all are eating and how happy he is that Rory eats unconcerned over her weight or figure or stupid self esteem issues most society puts on young girls heads. Like they were as important as they make them sound, for goodness sake. Body image is an issue when people make them one!

(But don't tell anyone, we have a reputation and amazing genes but we do like some cheesy 80s work out vídeos. We don't follow them religiously but hey if you want to eat pizza and keep on eating it? A couple of sweating and the most outrageous gym outfits are the way to go! That's how I got my "juicy" sweatpants and I don't regret a thing!)

Not only that but he's too smooth and used to dating, apparently. He is being solicitous and getting Rory to relax, to be herself, to enjoy the movie they have in common. Shouldn't he be an anxious teen here? In an unknown place, with a ferocious sexy mother as a chaperone, having a date with the girl he likes? Suspicious. He's incredibly cool here. I'm kind of jealous.

Good eyes, cute dude. Check. Shows appreciation for finer culture, check! May just be a genuine nice guy and not just playing a role to me?... Check?

What a mess. This is giving me a tension headache and I hate it so much, I just want to stop hating Dean for being a boy that likes my daughter and it isn't one sided (and what a kicker it was to hear the boy ask me not to hate him!), I want Rory to be rational again and not hate me for trying to protect her even if it's embarassing to have a date with your mom in the room.

_I think I want Christopher again_.

This is spiralling me down in a bad memory lane and I suck at controlling impulsive behaviour.

You know the worst trait about the Gilmore girls? Boys. You either get them rigth or they will raise hell upon our lives. Trust me.


	4. For fate to turn the light on

> "Your life, little girl, is an empty page  
>  That men will want to write on"  
> 

Birds sang, the sun shone bright, flowers bloomed (bees got a little too excited there for a while) and us Gilmores changed our hair styles accordingly. Fun times. And so many bad bad moments, of course; because you know what they say: you can't know that you are truly experiencing happiness if you got nothing to counterbalance it.

Like Rory and her newest beau! Exactly one that Emily would have approved of: charming, _rich_ , ambitious and supposedly smart, who knows. Problem is that he never had someone so viciously disdain him like my kid does. She wasn't raised to bootlick no one and she doesn't need to be courted by someone from a "good" family. She can be who she wants all the time.

That probably fried Tristan's pretty blonde head quite a bit. Having a girl not falling at his feet.

\- **You did a lovely job. With Rory and the dress.**

Yes, yes I did! And I'm even being a true adult by mending my relationship with my own mother. Truly, age and maturity goes a long _long_ LONG way to help you in tough spots, let me tell grind our teeth, fake smile, keep our thoughts to ourselves and try to be civil even in disagreement... It's sort of wonderful yet terribly exhausting.

Anyway! New kid on the block with the crush on baby Rory: entitled poor bastard, for sure. He's probably not even that bad if he had some reality check and Rory didn't feel like punching him in the face all the time.

Thankfully Dean didn't lose his head in a jealous fit and even prevented a fight! He didn't back off, made himself clear and didn't slept with my daughter? This is the type of security I want ( _I need_ ) when thinking about Rory's dating life. I want to say that this is indifferent to her future boyfriends but I'm no saint: if they look like trouble they may, in fact, be one.

And while we're in this topic: why the _hell_ am I the villain for suggesting my teenager kid for getting into the freaking habit of taking the anticonceptional pill?! I am being perfectly open to the fact that she may start her sexual life anytime soon! Not because by her age I _had_ her but because, hello! Dean is her boyfriend. A boy. A teenage boy. Avoiding sex would be nice and dandy but the chances of that happening? And I can't exactly forbid her from doing it!

As a best friend I can advise, I can show I care and can make myself understood on a different level, directly, and not vertically as a person of authority.  


This shouldn't have been a problem between us! We're friends! But she has to remember the fact that I _am_ her mother! I have rules, as few as they are. Calling me irrational? Saying that everything was her grandmother's fault? Jesus, she's so naïve!  


Okay.  


Deep breaths.  


Knowing I can trust her doesn't diminish the fear... Having my authority questioned again only makes situation even worse. Goddamnn it all why can't I slam the door as well?!

* * *

So yes, men. Yes, let's talk about the messes they make and how the universe has it against me. It's the curse of being beautiful, it must be! This is too annoying to be anything else. Just to remind me of the fact that one shouldn't wish for things to happen because then it may come true and you will regret it like hell.  


What do I mean, you may ask? Some changes are good for us, yadda yadda yadda, and I was finally used to Rory's new chapter of life since _I_ had a new chapter as well and I've never had to deal with worry such as this since she was so very little and I needed to learn the ropes of the job, finding a house for us to live in and finally settling down in a life that I felt comfortable with plus having the knowlegde that Rory would lack for nothing if I could give her.  


But then:  


Christopher.  


Like a porn biker coming to town in the sweetest thing.

_After_ I told Dean off about the dangers of inviting Rory to ride a bike with him. After a confusing and maybe intense moment with Luke. After Rory's own relationship seemingly having grown while I wasn't looking. And, of course, after Emily disregarded my feelings and life choices, but what else is new in this case? These whole few days were _insane_. I do NOT need a heart to heart conversation with mother dearest about my freaking feelings. Also: feelings! **Yuck**! Let's take a giant step back before we catch something else.

Did I said already that Christopher is a hunk? Because there is an obvious reason to why I chose him and keep going back to imagining how we were together. Ugh, _not_ going there.  


Things get extra creepy and a whole lotta sadder when your _mom_ tries to hook you up with a blind date and your daughter's teen _boyfriend_ knows what he wants and who he loves already while me and Rory are two fishes flopping around...

* * *

Scratch that, actually: I just received a thousand yellow daisies as a marriage proposal. Help me while I try to breath.

* * *

Or maybe don't... Because if I missed my daughter's graduation day I would be a bad mother. But the reverse situation doesn't seem to inspire a lot of feelings in Rory... Which... Ok, I don't get it. She was the one pushing me to go and to feel good about the ceremony other than just the slip of paper that really has a value; she's the one that (quietly) suggests eating at Luke's because it's healthier, watch the news and talk about social or civic issues and through Lane she knows and share tons of spiritual notions. I always felt secured in our family of two and the acceptance of Star Hollows along with the stranded detachment of my parents or how absent Rory's father was.

Our finances and the business aspects were always at the forefront of my mind and due that we had no secrets or problems handling things.

I thought, honestly, that I had all seven features balanced enough to live a happy life, a _successful_ life, because I never was one to settle for less. And now I see it all slipping through my fingers again, coming from the one person I never would imagine blindsiding me like that.


	5. Gilmore (dis)approval

> Baby, it's time to think  
> Better beware, be canny and careful

**\- Well, Dean, all I can say is that tonight you officially became a Gilmore Girl.**

\- Yeah, I even have the stubborn gene to make it really count, right?

Dean's relationship with Rory came under heavy fire at the Gilmore's family dinner on friday. Poor kiddo just wanted to introduce her boyfriend to her proud grandparents, to include every loved one she has in the same place and share her happy moments with them. That's the sweet caring girly I raised. She's emotionally aware of what she likes and wants to give whenever possible, as long as she doesn't feel she is capable of doing whatever was expected of her.

Richard Gilmore didn't seem to enjoy the dinner at all. He flashbacked _hard_ there and thought of Christopher, wandering aimesly, secured only due to his family's fortune but that would never be enough for his darling daughter. And now the same is probably happening with his bright granddaughter, so young too! There's a level of purity in Rory that you can never compare her with how I was with that age.

Dean isn't even technically without aspiritations nor is he without ambitions. His scope is a tad smaller tho. Like his girlfriend: he wants to know how they are going to make it work after she goes to college, Rory hasn't realized that was an issue then; Dean prepared to make plans with Rory when she gets to college because he _has_ plans, although not the capitalistic societal pressures that he "should" have. Rory barely cares. He is passionate, commited, doesn't need to think about his feelings because he realizes what they are already. In fact, he only starts to get jealousy issues _after_ Rory didn't say she loved him back. And gets psyched out because, _duh_ , first he's a teenager and Jess is a jerk. But second, and more importantly, because he sees that despite all the mock fights and fake anger, Rory is interested in Jess and they do have more in common than the lovebirds originally had.

That's why he gets so out of control. Rory breaks his self esteem and trust.

**\- Rory wouldn't lie, right?**

**\- No, Rory wouldn't lie.**

Except she did it already didn't she? As soon as Jess Mariano came to town Rory got attracted to his bad boy persona that she thinks it's just a mask and not the raw reality of trouble embodied. Which is fine, I swear, we all get confused over feelings and not knowing how to act (until you literally have to figure things out or you would embarass yourself every single time things happened and uuuh boy that isn't fun for anyone).

But he smelled like problem. And if Rory chose to marry Dean it would make my life so less chaotic, I already knew I could count on him. Gee, Dean was helpful inside the house even if he's not dating Rory any longer and after we passed the awkward meetings stage. Small town problems, right?

Even after they break up he was sweet and game to try winning her back but not vengeful. He _really_ spoiled Rory as a first boyfriend, you can't compare caviar with pop rocks but you don't even have to when it's so crystal clear that the answer is just there.

Dean, a gentleman, punches Jess for believing he harassed her. (See this, folks? He never has made it physical with the pain in the ass before because it would be proudful and stupid and we would probably hate him a little for that. But for Rory? Wait, delete that, for a girl that he knows and that was crying after being alone with a male? I _knew_ there was an inner feminist inside of him despite all his happy smiles for olden TV shows).

Dean calls Rory elitist.

Rory was worst than that, she was a user. She knew he would always be there for her, the american sweetheart, like a first love story that doesn't end. Dean was her safety net. She totally blew it. And forsaken all manners of sorority when she treated Lindsay the way she did, arguing that she should get a job, she should praise Dean, help him, do this, do that while she gets in bed with another girl's husband. I never, not ever, thought that she would be one of those girls blaming the wife to justify cheating.

She got this prejudice inside of her that she thinks it's perfectly accepted because it's the "right" thing to do, the socially accepted thinking, something that scientists through all the years have debated and proven and if she _knows_ that and people deviate from that knowledge? They're beneath her expectations. Because that's the thing: I raised her. If she thought she was inherently good and perfect she wouldn't be mine, she would be Emily's, but Rory went a step further and chose to raise _herself_ to a high standard. And that was it. Reading facts or commenting over excerpts from her books was her mini way of maniplating others to raise their level to the one she deemed better.

She ran away to Europe with my mother. Or rather I packed her bags and sent her with Emily. Whichever narrative you choose to believe doesn't change the fact that Rory refused to see what she did wrong, she says I'm ruining her first time, that she knows what she's doing. And I got tired of talking... I was tired by the time I saw them both come out of the room sexed up and guilty.

And if she wants us fighting so that she can prove she's right? So be it.


	6. Bachelor dandies

> Fellows will fall in line  
> Eager young lads and rogues and cads  
> Will offer you food and wine

We had some wonderful storm seasons and chilly rains, leaves fell in brown, red, orange hues, daintly in the street right before it was covered in white. I had a new working relationship with my close family, better friendship bond with Sookie and a new goal for the Inn. And everything was doind pretty fine indeed! Except. Let us talk boy problems, more specifically: my boy problems. The contenders are! Luke Danes, Christopher Hayden, Max Medina and Jason Stiles!

Luke: sexist, indecisive, great cook, reliable and steady _except_ romantically or in any way couple-y like. Great friend probably terrible boyfriend.

Christopher: gee, I would need a whole book for him. Handsome, ambitious, instable, floored by life, impatient, jealous, rich, then poor, then rich again. Great lover but not so great husband.

Max: _so_ pretty, smart, interesting, educated, passionate, perfect... Too damn perfect! I was cooking! COOKING, I tell you, and falling in love, and thinking about the great life I could give Rory if she had a stepfather that had so many intellectual connections! Awesome husband material but the Gilmore curse would attack (it did already) and would destroy his heart.

Jason (Digger): He makes me laugh, is different enough from high _or_ low society to make things interesting and likeable. Funny coleague... I really tried with him. But it felt like I was trying too hard and it wasn't working.

* * *

I'm used to be swept by my feelings, truly; it's why I'm still so impulsive. My brain goes to this crazy point of experimentation, thinks it's not a terrible idea, maybe I will like it after a couple of days, then I get all dreamy eyed and bam, let's do it! Rather than an enthusiastic _yes_ , I want it, I need it, let me have it nownownow... which, let's face it, is my default mode for everything else in my life, be it shoes, candy, coffee, jokes; if I'm not doing the same with the men I date then something is seriously wrong.

But it was never a chase! Things always were so easy! Like standing in a bookstore, getting groceries, doing my job. A little bit of harmless, and frankly automated, flirting and I got dates by the bulk. And not even from awful douche ugly dudes. A bare minimun standard didn't even cull the most of them.

And they're so easy. Smile a little, swish your hair to the side, _maybe_ touch their arms? And they're brave enough to ask you out, it's not that surprising. The only times I was surprised, actually, had to do with getting dates out of people I friendzoned already.

Poor Luke, even knowing me and my reputation, gets so spellbound that it's like kicking an overgrown puppy when I don't give him a green light. There are numerous of reasons to friendzone someone however and the purpose is to basically make life a little easier when you have fewer people to be concerned with their romantic feelings and you can just act polite all you want without second guessing yourself three, four times a day because of something they said! Or that look or, I don't know, they changed their cologne or something.

It almost makes you think being a lesbian would be easier.

And then _hmm_ having to handle someone like me? Even I can't stand myself sometimes and I'm a chaotic woman! That likes men, I guess; I know, sounds insane, but what can you do?

Moving onwards: friendzoning is like a modern day safety mechanism of a social kind! "This person looks too different than myself, they may be my enemy" to a "this person is compatible enough with my belief system but I don't want to consider if they're worth more than they already are". It's like checking your own blindspot when driving, you check it once and see if anyone's coming, check again and they're gone or they're closer than you realized and you have to decide if you want to back away, drive faster or let them pass you.

Easy peasy!

And if decided you want to stay the hell away from that person or want them closer? Hey! Check the friendzone limited edition parking spots! You may be surprised! ( _Disclaimer_ : this text is not sponsored and being an old spinster is not an issue).

* * *

Things were a bit awkward after me and Rory decided to take a step back in our relationship. The explanation for this is fairly easy because we've been each other's life for so long that building such trust with another person is hard. That's why I'm here, not pouting, not judging, not commenting, delivering a love letter from my daughter to her ex.

We can barely claim to be friendly. And I dislike burning down bridges immensely, seeing that I'm only rash like 75% of my personality and time!

\- Do you know why she's in Europe?

\- Hey, man, I'm just a messenger nothing more, and don't ask me to be more, I really would prefer to stay that way.

\- I'm such an idiot. I'm married!

\- I know, honey.

\- I'm married and here I am throwing this all away for a girl that dumped me more than once and it's not even here to hear about it!

\- Hey hey, how about you don't read that right now and come with me to have a cup of coffee? You're too stressed to open the letter and Rory's not coming back for at least a week, you have time.

\- Yeah, thanks, Lorelai.

\- Sure, no problem! And you didn't even realized my evil plan of making you fix my cupboard that's squeaking loudly and driving me insane, see!

Yay! He laughed, mission accomplished!

I'm tired of the weird timings and not knowing how to act when we see each other running outside of Luke's or while he's working at the Inn. I want the relationship we had before! When Dean came to the house to fix whatever needed fixing for old time sake, just because he was nearby, because he knew I was hopeless, he had time and wanted a bit of normalcy back in his life. I want us to not mind spending time together again.

Like when he thanked me for a truly thankless night when we double dated and Luke couldn't handle his attitude around Dean. I want the fun parts back. I want people to not overthink whatever clusterfucks they're having in the moment because things are, eventually, going to be alright. And it saddens me to see someone I care hurting like that, why not try to make things better? And fill up my empty nest syndrome? Paul Anka is judging me hard lately and isn't keen on helping me with my tomfoolery.


	7. Whoomp there it is

> Timid and shy and scared are you  
> Of things beyond your ken

It's strange to feel shy and left footed when you did this dating dance for so long. (I'll ask you to refrain and not call me old, _thank_ you very much!) But this musical chair routine, the overall boring interview questions to check if your partner matches enough with you, the time and money and effort into making them feel comfortable... It's a drag if you don't feel the tiniest of sparks between each other (or you think you're getting laid and knows enough as to _not_ make it totally suck for yourself) and it can feel exhausting.

You think you know what you want, you feel like you're having enough of what you're getting, but to be honest... this supposed knowledge is so flawed that it isn't a wonder how everyone is damaged by giving their hearts too soon or to the wrong person. Repeat after me, gentlemen, ladies, and all of those in between: the heart does not follow society's rules! Unless we're talking whorehouses, that's the best rule for romance and that's the only one your crazy heart wants the most, what with that immense number of rooms and people to love inside it.

All this rambling just to get to the point that Dean Forester likes my hair.

A Gilmore chestnutty hair, rich like wine and heavy like our hellish dating baggage. The same hair that my daughter has, cut short notwithstanding... She also inherited the eyes from me as well; is it too soon to say he has a definite type over here? Oops, talk about inappropriate!

Because, let's face it, Lindsay is the cutest blonde: all sweet, nice, beautiful, genuine A to the F... She also had a crush the size of Canada on a boy that treated her like a rebound. His marriage was a mistake, no denying that, but as a way to forget someone, focusing all of his attention in another person may have worked actually. That's the level of intensity he carries within himself anyway. He just did it too fast (so did I with Christopher) and to mostly prove a point (again, terrible thing to be happy we have in common).

And isn't _that_ what is crushing all of perfect Rory's expectations right to the ground? She left screaming loudly, she never stopped screaming from packing her bags 'till getting in the car complaining about how "disgusting, vile and absurd" we are. Poor Babette didn't know if she wanted to interrupt or not. But when I was called despicable I think Babette proved to be the best neighbour ever by inviting me over for some hot cocoa and little treats to Paul Anka. Just a furry tea party to forget the newest mess.

She didn't even phone Ms Patty to gossip! Such a love, she is. We stayed up most of the night talking about musicals and doing bad impersonation of famous songs, Patty brought the wine in the evening and we did a perfect girls night in. The Rocky Horror Show, english accents and diction, terrible falsettos and Paul Anka singing back vocals!

* * *

Thing is... we've never expected something like this to happen honestly; well, hope for something? Sure! We were, by that point, two single people that were hella annoyed with the world and with their supposed partners, so completely jaded it was painful to even think of trying a little bit harder to make it work. Because by now it should be semi effortless or less demanding at least. To Dean specially since he's a giver, honest to god it can be annoying but he _is_ so truly cheery when he can focus his attention on someone and make them happy.

He likes it! He enjoys living with another and for another.

Myself, unsurprisingly, ain't that far over in love land. I like sharing and, yeah, it's pleasant to know someone has your back, that we can be romantic and sexual and all (please very sexual) but it bugs me after a while, because then I need some space and some life of my own without thinking of someone else! Just to recharge, just to feel myself again and not like I became so lost in another person that I forget who I am and what we both are together.

That's not to say that I can't be lovey dovey but eugh, too much.

Thankully expecting flowers and walks on the beach isn't that problematic with Dean over here. Except he understands my language too much and brings me pizza. And we still play dubbing some series on TV and things got flirtier anytime we got more used to each other as adults do when no one's watching.

He's a romantic at heart but he likes quality time better than grand gestures of love, hallellujah. Because I love the stupid things like having more food in the fridge, sprucing up the porch for when we want to watch the stars, getting me coffee (heart eyes galore) or not coming to a depressing house; I'm down with all of these. Futhermore, I'm not a blushing bride and shy-like to deny myself the pleasure of walking in public at a fair in Star Hollows just to see the scandalous faces people give when they see us so much as brushing our arms together!

It's so much fun!

He gets so alive as well when he realizes we don't have to hide anything or shy away from judgment or even stop living the way we want to. We can joke around the entire time in public if we want and save the PDA for inside and a public of one fluffy doggo. I don't mind. It's better actually to not worry myself if he's going to be a macho man, possessive and intrusive over my joy of cute events. (Not that a macho performance isn't allowed in the bedroom. Pull my hair and pin me down, baby, before I make a bad joke and we have to stop to catch our breath from laughing too hard).

It wasn't even a hostile take over. A conquering of a fortified kingdom. Stealth and dagger situation... We'd hang out. Talk. Play go fish. Drink a little. Teach Paul Anka some tricks. Hell, only thing we didn't do out of our ordinary was braid our hair in silly updos; which could totally have happened, ok! We had Grease, hair gel, tequila and scissors, albeit I don't remember why the scissors were necessary.

Everything was fine until I didn't want to say good bye. Or walk away from his side. I started to look forward for our "dates", leaned a bit on him and took the tiniest bit of advantage... Poking his dimples because I couldn't have been the only one wanting to do that since forever!

I don't want to say it was loneliness that brought us together tho.


	8. Drinkers of brandies

> Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet
> 
> And willingly I believe

Dean never had a reason to lie to me. As a teen, carefree, with his eyes targeted on Rory, he simply knew it was in his best interest to not piss me off and lying would accomplish that easily. Plus, even if he was raised right and did know his etiquette lessons vaguely, he was never a brown noser or interested in wasting time doing something that may have not worked either way so why bother?

Therefore I was never called beautiful, complimented on my house, praised by my amazing parenting or offered discounts at Doose's because of said reasons as explained above. He wanted Rory, his focus was on courting her, pleasing her and I appreciate the honesty of not getting bypassed as a social commodity when I was just fine as long as my daughter was safe and happy, which she was!

But then, inadvertently, we got to spend some time not measuring each other out and I let my guard down enough to see what a gem he was. And that we had fun, a chemistry, an understading that we could survive for more than few moments just us two, that we cared for Rory but we didn't need her in the room to make small talk and realize that we have the same humor.

(And frankly I would have kicked him out if he started any sort of bullshit over how gorgeous I was pretending like we didn't have tons of history together and how that sort of change in behaviour would be cringy as hell. And, unfortunately, exactly what _I_ was expecting of Luke when he never stopped treating me like a fantasy made real and a helpless lady he needed to flex to keep my attention. Plus the uber romantic charade burned Dean to the ground in his marriage, I hope he doesn't even try something like that for his own mind's sake).

Anyway. Why is it that a younger man managed the impossible of getting Lorelai Gilmore in a committed relationship without running away?

He won me over because of time.

It wasn't the flowers or the handyman skills that made me pay attention to him; it was because he brought me flowers with the hint of mocking and challenge saying that "this is a sturdy type, Lorelai, even she can handle your attention" and I _didn't_ really need a sign to say he has the body of a man now and the life experience ~~(the hurt)~~ of someone older. Also it was never how he could prove himself and submit to my whims and the demands of what inane thing I wanted to do. It was the opposite: how he could withstand my hurricane chaotic self without freaking out or putting me down or trying to change me.

Just standing there. Being himself. Being _there_ while with me.

It was the fact that despite being very broken himself and second guessing himself over avoiding me in other ways... He saw that I was miserable. That he wasn't happy. And that we didn't have any beef: I was one less person hating him in a town where everyone knew each other's names. I was definitely _not safe_ , being the mother of the girl that had destroyed him a little but I was there. Lending a hand.

Why Dean is so much better than all of the other men in my life? Because he didn't put me into a crazy pedestal full of expectations and adoration, for a start. I wasn't an impossible prize for him to win over. He didn't want me to be anything other than what I already _am_ now and to him. We even chose to not say we're "dating" because we don't want anyone interfering over what we should or shouldn't do with ourselves. We literally had no idea what to do ourselves but we wanted to avoid any guilt when it felt so good to be content... for the first time in a good while. Not being lonely again...

And our relationship didn't change courses like a fairy snapping their fingers quicklike and it was done. **Nope** , no no no no. We refused to see what was happening actually and thought that touching each other more frequently was just a standard thing after a friendship of so many years what with we finally getting comfortable with our bondaries. It makes sense, doesn't it? But it was completely strange at first since we never once did it intentionally. (Let's not forget that we were both touch starved, deprived of most significant intimacy and Dean was social distancing like hellish hounds were trying to bite his tushy).

So receiving an offer to massage temples to soothe headaches or lean over the couch and sprawl haphazardly so we get extra comfy to the point of cuddling or having one's head in the other's lap was natural. As were the infuriating times I had to grip his hands/wrists/arms so that he stayed in place and didn't run away due to whatever weird thing he thought was happening. Or when he tried to ground me by holding my shoulders and push me down a bit so I relax. We did this a _lot_. And we fought every single time over it, saying that I can't control him or tell him what to do or that he needs to learn his place and that my way never failed before.

* * *

Oh we have epic fights! Because both of us hated backing down, loved being proven right if needed and we were just _angry_. The Dragonfly Inn was the only thing going well for me, my relationship with Luke fell worse than a castle of cards, divided Stars Hollow in two factions and I was seeing Rory throw herself away because of a stupid blond dude and freaking Emily was enabling her. While Dean was feeling okay with Tom and contractor deals, forgoing college and the likes because he never really cared for it and felt better staying as active as possible. But, on the other hand, his divorce was _really_ gruesome, nobody liked him and he hardy had a place to go.

We tried helping each other but we really just needed to scream at someone without anyone telling us to calm down. After that it was another thing, we cared for each other, nursing the negativity away, bonding, not needing to apologize for the outburst because it was clear that we needed to get things off our chests and didn't know of a more efficient method.

In the beginning, when we were pussyfooting around, there were so many apologies! Sincere, don't get me wrong, but exhausting 'till agreed we don't mean harm with what we say in those moments.

Then it came a time where we didn't need to shout, touching each other and looking was enough, we talked camly _(_ ~~ISH~~ ), we did a freudian divan moment where we kept touching each other but not seeing the other in the eye, because it was embarassing, uncomfortable, but we wanted to be healthy.

We just needed to vent without hearing half assed excuses and advices. It was a thorough process.

Even after accepting this whole new paradigm, it took some time getting used to the "isn't that strange, Lorelai?" comments, times when Kirk came with a couple statistics of relationships, Babette talking about weird Cult tales, the whole town becoming involved in their own way... People realizing that we were together quite often was a trial.

Gossip monsters, all of them.

And if by some of those "close together" moments I snuggled up to him and he kisses my hair? None of anyone's business. Frankly, _if_ someone really had to know (Sookie St James! I'm looking at you!), we started more as sensual platonic friends than anything else. Sweaters, hoodies and warm hands caressing your back is better than a duvet. A gentle one armed hug to welcome whoever came back became the norm. Throwing the legs on top of each other or getting a foot masage was a bargain deal and blackmail currency. Even silly cheek kisses became a thing when we were feeling pretty good about ourselves and got obnoxiously loud and extra.

Granted, I don't remember what we were watching at the fateful night that changed things for good, but the feeling of his breath near my ear wasn't platonic anymore, the heat of his hands was bothering me in a _very_ particular way and if he wasn't the one turning his head to kiss me I would probably tap out and maul his mouth myself!

Things got to a head and whilst we were a bit more frantic than, er, we could've been, this new development didn't come as a surprise. Knowing that Dean is a passionate and caring partner made perfectly sense; experimenting how our chemistry reveals itself in the bedroom was super nice as well since we were well aware of each other like we were in synch. (And wanted to orgasm together, as if chasing some mythical state of self!)

All those getting to know moments of just dealing with our anger, our nervous breakdowns and eventually cooling down helped in the bedroom. No awkward moment, expectations set too high or ignoring the other person like they were just the next warm body.

And the fact that he sassed me after round three proving that we didn't stray from the moment and were still okay? It was the the best challenge and told in our unique language. We had to settle our duel of wits, words and wonderment! And if then, and only then, Dean tried to talk me into giving up my legal rights of winner by admitting he loved my hair and always admired me? Well, he's cute, I'll let him be overly mushy this once after all.

Plus, he made coffee the next day! Life is good.


End file.
